WARNING: If you are not completely open minded, this will offend you. I find this extremely funny, but many will not.
I am a Cowboy. Ok, I don’t ride, rope, own a horse, palpate cows, or anything of the sort. I guess I should say I look like a Cowboy. I did have a 3 year, injury laden, very unsuccessful bull riding career, but that doesn’t qualify me. I was raised with Cowboy-like morals and a code of ethics. I do believe that real Cowboys don’t much exist anymore as beef operations are starting to squeeze out the little guy and the profit is decreasing to the point of pushing Cowboys to a different career. But, this is all info for another blog. This blog focuses on gay marriage and my opinion there in. No one I have met would believe that a Cowboy approves of gay marriage. They assume that we would physically abuse a gay man if we could find one. Our gaydar is non existent. Our mannerisms are usually rough and lacking in open mindedness. Furthermore, no one would believe that a staunch Republican like myself could ever be in favor of gay marriage, or women’s right to choose, or any other socially volatile subject. I would like to juxtapose the stereotype I get accused of against an argument FOR gay marriage (which is MY argument) while intertwining them for humor’s sake. Hold on to your hats; here we go:
I’ve never witnessed a fag suck another but pirate’s woman poker. I don’t want to. I’ve never been invited to. I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain and am embarrassed that GW did. To comprehend the idea that a Cowboy would become a pillow biter is beyond my ability to reason. I did however, get accosted by a turd burglar at a country bar when I was in college. He would not quit blatantly hitting on me (to the point of offering to do what only a woman could do to turn me on). I gave him several warnings. I wanted to be open minded and figured the only way to achieve this was to act like a Lady would if a man were pushing too far. After not picking up my hints, I out right told the queer to leave me alone. He did not. I brought a bouncer with me to witness me inform him that if he reached for my junk one more time, I would surgically convert him into a woman for no charge. No, I am no skilled surgeon, but I do carry a pocket knife, have gutted a variety of animals, and did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express the night before. This did not phase the pole smoking circle jerker but it did inform the bouncer and give him the motivation necessary to keep the elephant walker away from me. That night, I realized I had no gaydar and would have to be more “on the lookout” to keep from being a target. Luckily for my freedom and for the gay population at large, I have never been hit on since.
Fast forward to today’s world. Pitcher wants to marry catcher. Catcher wants to marry pitcher. Every Republican and religious zealot wants to stop it. I can’t comprehend it and have yet to hear any of them make a VALID point as to why they are against the union and work so hard to see it not built into our legal system. I think it may stem from the fact that most don’t believe it’s genetic. I think common sense says that it is. I mean who on earth would choose to be ridiculed and quite possibly beaten to death for their sexual preferences. I don’t even think masochists would be willing to go that far. Talk to any child in school that has been a victim of bullying and you will find a child willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop (including suicide on some occasions). This alone leads me to theorize that it must be built into the typical homo/lesbo genetic code. The stereotype that colon divers desire to do so out of choice is as incorrect as the notion that all Jews are good with money and wish to dominate the world through a series of international banking takeovers. Okay, maybe I should use a simile that is less accurate.
As an aside, I don’t believe any law should exist unless the act outlawed affects another human being in a way that would infringe upon their freedoms. Basically, if it doesn’t hurt anyone, it shouldn’t be illegal. Religious nuts would disagree, but have no logical proof to back up why they disagree. Stating it bluntly, if two adult consenting peter-puffers want to trade feces via body parts, they should be allowed to do so to their limp wristed heart’s desire. Who am I to judge? I mean, come on, religious right, it’s not like they’re kicking down your door and trading semen in your living room in front of your kids. This does bring up another point, though. I don’t believe semen monkeys should be allowed to make out in public because it infringes on my right to enjoy the scenery. But, I don’t think ANYONE should be allowed to make out in public. Hell, I’m not even comfortable in front of animals doing it, unless, of course, I am in the privacy of my own home and have the internet cranked up. And, the internet is really where porn of any type belongs. I enjoy watching the occasional bad acting of a porno movie, but I don’t want to witness it while I’m going grocery shopping.
Giving ass bandits a right to marry hurts no one, and based on my above theory, should not be against the law. If two want to wear a ring, adopt a child, take out life insurance on each other, execute each other’s will, be entitled to death benefits, or gag each other with their reproductive parts legally, I have absolutely no problem with it. This just means more than two more fruitcakes at the Christmas office party will be legally going steady. Of course, I still will not want to eat any of the three.
In fact, I would go so far as to say I believe that not allowing gay marriage to be legal is as discriminatory as not allowing niggers to vote. See my next blog entitled, “Cowboys and Niggers – A Love Hate Relationship”. I mean, at one time, women weren’t allowed to vote either and now-a-days, it is difficult to imagine a time when baby makers were considered not worthy enough to express their opinion.
Opponents argue that altering the traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman will further weaken a threatened institution and that legalizing chutney ferret marriage is a slippery slope that may lead to polygamous and interspecies marriages….. Wow, where do I start to dissect this imbecilic statement? Alter the definition? Ok, call it something else and repeat the same marriage laws with the term “pillow biting butt pirate union” in place of the word marriage. How will it weaken the “institution of marriage” and how is said institution being threatened? I can’t even figure out what the hell they are trying to say here so I have no way to refute their point. To me, marriage is a concept and I can’t, for the life of me, see how a concept can be threatened or weakened. And, I don’t see some redneck approaching his favorite sheep and saying, “Hey you cute little thing, have you heard that gay marriage has been approved in 8 states? Looks like they’re paving the way for us to tie the knot.”
In summary, not only do I approve of two brown eye bingers marrying, I actually feel sorry for the ridicule laden cum dumpsters. I may be the first Cowboy to approve of the marriage of two cock jockeys, but I feel that getting the word out may convince other Cowboys to come out of the close minded barn and support rump rangers in their fight for equality. Hell, even the religious right fanatics may see the light. Who knows, one day, you may be standing in church holding hands with a married couple of ass stabbers and not even notice. I just hope they washed their hands before touching the Bible.
Steak and Blow Job Day
Length: couple minutes
OK, I’m sure you think I’m here to pitch the idea of Steak & Blow Job day. Not so. In case you are not familiar with it, some very intellectual and socially forward individuals decided that since Valentine’s day is for women, that men should have a holiday all to themselves. They want this holiday to happen one month after Valentine’s sort of as a reward for doing a good job during V day. Now, I’m not opposed to this as I already see Valentine’s day as more of an “eat-out” holiday preceded by flowers and candy, sort of a Candy and Eat Out Day (double entendre intended). Not that I necessarily need a specific day to let me know when it’s time to eat at the Y. I tend to like to dine there as often as I am allowed and have never been asked to leave the restaurant. I digress. So, my point is not to promote Steak & BJ Day, but rather, to point out the inequality of it’s lack of existence.
Now, I made a comment on my “mood” setting a few days ago that has brought me quite a bit more flack than I had expected. Apparently, everyone on myspace reads the mood settings. I am now aware of this fact and will adjust my “mood” accordingly. But, for now, I must defend my position. If you don’t know, my mood quote went something like this, “Joe is boycotting Valentine’s day until women everywhere agree to recognize Steak and Blow Job Day. You want to be treated equal, now let’s get equal.” The reasons for my comment are many, but the main one is the inequality of it all.
Those of you who know me well realize that one of my biggest pet peeves is the fact that I, as a white male, am now in the only minority left. All other minorities have eroded our freedoms to the point that we, as a mass have to shut up and take it due to some form of slight we transgressed against another group at some point in our past. For example, affirmative action hiring means that a less capable black man be hired over a more capable white man because the white man’s great great great grandfather made the black man’s great great great grandfather pick cotton. If you need me to explain how ridiculous that is, then you must be a liberal or completely ignorant or both.
Now, women have finally attained equal rights (or from what I gather they are so close that the difference is negligible). I applaud what they have accomplished. I wouldn’t stand for not being treated equally and I am sure that if I had been born without a penis, I would have joined the fight as well. BUT, you can’t have it both ways. You can not expect men to be chivalrous if you claim to be a proponent of equal rights for chivalry is anything but equal. Ask any man who opens doors for women how many times one has opened the door for him. His win/loss ratio will be drastically unequal. Now, I am not against Chivalry. To the contrary, I am quite for it. I was raised to treat a woman a certain way and I don’t regret this. I still open doors, pull out chairs, and take my hat off at the table, among other things.
My problem lies in all of the rhetoric surrounding this holiday and the pressure that men are under. It seems that women want their cake and want to eat it too. Currently us men are being pelted non stop with ads about how we can keep from screwing up by visiting this store or that or purchasing this item or that. The ads aren’t wrong. They are derived from reality. Any man who has ever failed to do the “right” thing on Valentine’s can tell you the punishment can be extreme, ranging from a night without sex to weeks without talking. To me, this is ludicrous, especially for failing to comply with some societal standard fraught with inequality from the get-go. I know of NO man that actually looks forward to this day simply because of the pressure he faces to perform to some standard that he doesn’t know exists let alone understand.
I am in NO way saying that women have caused this societal dilemma we find ourselves in. I am simply trying to explain the situation in a way to promote understanding in the hopes that doing so will help both sexes bring about a state where the day can go back to being the most romantic day on earth. I feel that women who expect and in some cases demand that men lavish them with gifts, dinners, etc. on this day are creating more bitterness in their men who already feel that they aren’t getting a fair trade but are too timid to voice this inequality. So, ladies, being thankful rather than expectant will go a long way towards getting the holiday results you yearn for. In fact, rewarding a man for a job well done is even better. Face it, men are competitive. Give a man a prize he can brag about to his buddies and he’ll go all out to achieve the goal it takes to attain that prize. Think about it, how many men have taken their ladies out to dinner for just the slightest hope of a chance that she won’t have a headache on that particular night? And, many women already know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Most women already take their fathers to a steak house for Father’s day. Hmmmmm. It would seem that this argument logically leads itself to the sensible conclusion that Steak & BJ Day is not such a bad idea after all. Let’s think about this a sec. If your man knew that your performance on Steak & BJ day was directly related to HIS performance on V day, how improved do you think his actions might become? The sky is the limit here, ladies. If he knows a $5 box of chocolates is going to get him nothing more than chuck steak with a kiss on the forehead for Steak & BJ day, then you can bet your ass he’ll go back to the drawing board and come up with a better plan. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “My man is too stubborn for that”. Yes, this can be a problem, but I don’t think it’ll take more than one holiday to change him. I know if I got bologna and a cold shoulder for Steak and BJ Day, I’d NEVER forget Valentine’s Day again. I’d wager that if all you ladies band together in support of this quid pro quo holiday, that within 3 years, Valentine’s Day will be back to the most romantic day on the planet. It is within your power. You, personally, control the future of Valentine’s Day. Now, you can choose to cross your arms, furrow your brow, dig your feet in and refuse to participate. You can continue to expect and demand that your man comply with Valentine’s Day with no hope of any reward or reciprocation. You can also lose your man to his secretary who voluntarily participates in Steak & BJ Day without ever having received so much as a card on Valentine’s Day. The choice is yours. I hope you make the right one. I definitely support the right for women to choose (wisely).
PS If you choose to promote this fair holiday, please give kudos and get all your myspace friends to come read this and give it kudos as well so that it will climb the blog charts and make it around the nation. (written when I was still active on myspace, not sure if there are rankings for wordpress blogs (which is the system I am using currently)).