WARNING: If you are not completely open minded, this will offend you. I find this extremely funny, but many will not.
I am a Cowboy. Ok, I don’t ride, rope, own a horse, palpate cows, or anything of the sort. I guess I should say I look like a Cowboy. I did have a 3 year, injury laden, very unsuccessful bull riding career, but that doesn’t qualify me. I was raised with Cowboy-like morals and a code of ethics. I do believe that real Cowboys don’t much exist anymore as beef operations are starting to squeeze out the little guy and the profit is decreasing to the point of pushing Cowboys to a different career. But, this is all info for another blog. This blog focuses on gay marriage and my opinion there in. No one I have met would believe that a Cowboy approves of gay marriage. They assume that we would physically abuse a gay man if we could find one. Our gaydar is non existent. Our mannerisms are usually rough and lacking in open mindedness. Furthermore, no one would believe that a staunch Republican like myself could ever be in favor of gay marriage, or women’s right to choose, or any other socially volatile subject. I would like to juxtapose the stereotype I get accused of against an argument FOR gay marriage (which is MY argument) while intertwining them for humor’s sake. Hold on to your hats; here we go:
I’ve never witnessed a fag suck another but pirate’s woman poker. I don’t want to. I’ve never been invited to. I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain and am embarrassed that GW did. To comprehend the idea that a Cowboy would become a pillow biter is beyond my ability to reason. I did however, get accosted by a turd burglar at a country bar when I was in college. He would not quit blatantly hitting on me (to the point of offering to do what only a woman could do to turn me on). I gave him several warnings. I wanted to be open minded and figured the only way to achieve this was to act like a Lady would if a man were pushing too far. After not picking up my hints, I out right told the queer to leave me alone. He did not. I brought a bouncer with me to witness me inform him that if he reached for my junk one more time, I would surgically convert him into a woman for no charge. No, I am no skilled surgeon, but I do carry a pocket knife, have gutted a variety of animals, and did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express the night before. This did not phase the pole smoking circle jerker but it did inform the bouncer and give him the motivation necessary to keep the elephant walker away from me. That night, I realized I had no gaydar and would have to be more “on the lookout” to keep from being a target. Luckily for my freedom and for the gay population at large, I have never been hit on since.
Fast forward to today’s world. Pitcher wants to marry catcher. Catcher wants to marry pitcher. Every Republican and religious zealot wants to stop it. I can’t comprehend it and have yet to hear any of them make a VALID point as to why they are against the union and work so hard to see it not built into our legal system. I think it may stem from the fact that most don’t believe it’s genetic. I think common sense says that it is. I mean who on earth would choose to be ridiculed and quite possibly beaten to death for their sexual preferences. I don’t even think masochists would be willing to go that far. Talk to any child in school that has been a victim of bullying and you will find a child willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop (including suicide on some occasions). This alone leads me to theorize that it must be built into the typical homo/lesbo genetic code. The stereotype that colon divers desire to do so out of choice is as incorrect as the notion that all Jews are good with money and wish to dominate the world through a series of international banking takeovers. Okay, maybe I should use a simile that is less accurate.
As an aside, I don’t believe any law should exist unless the act outlawed affects another human being in a way that would infringe upon their freedoms. Basically, if it doesn’t hurt anyone, it shouldn’t be illegal. Religious nuts would disagree, but have no logical proof to back up why they disagree. Stating it bluntly, if two adult consenting peter-puffers want to trade feces via body parts, they should be allowed to do so to their limp wristed heart’s desire. Who am I to judge? I mean, come on, religious right, it’s not like they’re kicking down your door and trading semen in your living room in front of your kids. This does bring up another point, though. I don’t believe semen monkeys should be allowed to make out in public because it infringes on my right to enjoy the scenery. But, I don’t think ANYONE should be allowed to make out in public. Hell, I’m not even comfortable in front of animals doing it, unless, of course, I am in the privacy of my own home and have the internet cranked up. And, the internet is really where porn of any type belongs. I enjoy watching the occasional bad acting of a porno movie, but I don’t want to witness it while I’m going grocery shopping.
Giving ass bandits a right to marry hurts no one, and based on my above theory, should not be against the law. If two want to wear a ring, adopt a child, take out life insurance on each other, execute each other’s will, be entitled to death benefits, or gag each other with their reproductive parts legally, I have absolutely no problem with it. This just means more than two more fruitcakes at the Christmas office party will be legally going steady. Of course, I still will not want to eat any of the three.
In fact, I would go so far as to say I believe that not allowing gay marriage to be legal is as discriminatory as not allowing niggers to vote. See my next blog entitled, “Cowboys and Niggers – A Love Hate Relationship”. I mean, at one time, women weren’t allowed to vote either and now-a-days, it is difficult to imagine a time when baby makers were considered not worthy enough to express their opinion.
Opponents argue that altering the traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman will further weaken a threatened institution and that legalizing chutney ferret marriage is a slippery slope that may lead to polygamous and interspecies marriages….. Wow, where do I start to dissect this imbecilic statement? Alter the definition? Ok, call it something else and repeat the same marriage laws with the term “pillow biting butt pirate union” in place of the word marriage. How will it weaken the “institution of marriage” and how is said institution being threatened? I can’t even figure out what the hell they are trying to say here so I have no way to refute their point. To me, marriage is a concept and I can’t, for the life of me, see how a concept can be threatened or weakened. And, I don’t see some redneck approaching his favorite sheep and saying, “Hey you cute little thing, have you heard that gay marriage has been approved in 8 states? Looks like they’re paving the way for us to tie the knot.”
In summary, not only do I approve of two brown eye bingers marrying, I actually feel sorry for the ridicule laden cum dumpsters. I may be the first Cowboy to approve of the marriage of two cock jockeys, but I feel that getting the word out may convince other Cowboys to come out of the close minded barn and support rump rangers in their fight for equality. Hell, even the religious right fanatics may see the light. Who knows, one day, you may be standing in church holding hands with a married couple of ass stabbers and not even notice. I just hope they washed their hands before touching the Bible.