Straight Cowboys for Gay Marriage

WARNING:  If you are not completely open minded, this will offend you. I find this extremely funny, but many will not.

I am a Cowboy.  Ok, I don’t ride, rope, own a horse, palpate cows, or anything of the sort.  I guess I should say I look like a Cowboy.  I did have a 3 year, injury laden, very unsuccessful bull riding career, but that doesn’t qualify me.  I was raised with Cowboy-like morals and a code of ethics.  I do believe that real Cowboys don’t much exist anymore as beef operations are starting to squeeze out the little guy and the profit is decreasing to the point of pushing Cowboys to a different career.  But, this is all info for another blog.  This blog focuses on gay marriage and my opinion there in.  No one I have met would believe that a Cowboy approves of gay marriage.  They assume that we would physically abuse a gay man if we could find one.  Our gaydar is non existent.  Our mannerisms are usually rough and lacking in open mindedness.  Furthermore, no one would believe that a staunch Republican like myself could ever be in favor of gay marriage, or women’s right to choose, or any other socially volatile subject.  I would like to juxtapose the stereotype I get accused of against an argument FOR gay marriage (which is MY argument) while intertwining them for humor’s sake.  Hold on to your hats; here we go:

I’ve never witnessed a fag suck another but pirate’s woman poker.  I don’t want to.  I’ve never been invited to.  I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain and am embarrassed that GW did.  To comprehend the idea that a Cowboy would become a pillow biter is beyond my ability to reason.  I did however, get accosted by a turd burglar at a country bar when I was in college.  He would not quit blatantly hitting on me (to the point of offering to do what only a woman could do to turn me on).  I gave him several warnings.  I wanted to be open minded and figured the only way to achieve this was to act like a Lady would if a man were pushing too far.  After not picking up my hints, I out right told the queer to leave me alone.  He did not.  I brought a bouncer with me to witness me inform him that if he reached for my junk one more time, I would surgically convert him into a woman for no charge.  No, I am no skilled surgeon, but I do carry a pocket knife, have gutted a variety of animals, and did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express the night before.  This did not phase the pole smoking circle jerker but it did inform the bouncer and give him the motivation necessary to keep the elephant walker away from me.  That night, I realized I had no gaydar and would have to be more “on the lookout” to keep from being a target.  Luckily for my freedom and for the gay population at large, I have never been hit on since.

Fast forward to today’s world.  Pitcher wants to marry catcher.  Catcher wants to marry pitcher.  Every Republican and religious zealot wants to stop it.  I can’t comprehend it and have yet to hear any of them make a VALID point as to why they are against the union and work so hard to see it not built into our legal system.  I think it may stem from the fact that most don’t believe it’s genetic.  I think common sense says that it is.  I mean who on earth would choose to be ridiculed and quite possibly beaten to death for their sexual preferences.  I don’t even think masochists would be willing to go that far.  Talk to any child in school that has been a victim of bullying and you will find a child willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop (including suicide on some occasions).  This alone leads me to theorize that it must be built into the typical homo/lesbo genetic code.  The stereotype that colon divers desire to do so out of choice is as incorrect as the notion that all Jews are good with money and wish to dominate the world through a series of international banking takeovers.  Okay, maybe I should use a simile that is less accurate.

As an aside, I don’t believe any law should exist unless the act outlawed affects another human being in a way that would infringe upon their freedoms.  Basically, if it doesn’t hurt anyone, it shouldn’t be illegal.  Religious nuts would disagree, but have no logical proof to back up why they disagree.  Stating it bluntly, if two adult consenting peter-puffers want to trade feces via body parts, they should be allowed to do so to their limp wristed heart’s desire.  Who am I to judge?  I mean, come on, religious right, it’s not like they’re kicking down your door and trading semen in your living room in front of your kids.  This does bring up another point, though.  I don’t believe semen monkeys should be allowed to make out in public because it infringes on my right to enjoy the scenery.  But, I don’t think ANYONE should be allowed to make out in public.  Hell, I’m not even comfortable in front of animals doing it, unless, of course, I am in the privacy of my own home and have the internet cranked up.  And, the internet is really where porn of any type belongs.  I enjoy watching the occasional bad acting of a porno movie, but I don’t want to witness it while I’m going grocery shopping.

Giving ass bandits a right to marry hurts no one, and based on my above theory, should not be against the law.  If two want to wear a ring, adopt a child, take out life insurance on each other, execute each other’s will, be entitled to death benefits, or gag each other with their reproductive parts legally, I have absolutely no problem with it.  This just means more than two more fruitcakes at the Christmas office party will be legally going steady.  Of course, I still will not want to eat any of the three.

In fact, I would go so far as to say I believe that not allowing gay marriage to be legal is as discriminatory as not allowing niggers to vote.  See my next blog entitled, “Cowboys and Niggers – A Love Hate Relationship”.  I mean, at one time, women weren’t allowed to vote either and now-a-days, it is difficult to imagine a time when baby makers were considered not worthy enough to express their opinion.

Opponents argue that altering the traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman will further weaken a threatened institution and that legalizing chutney ferret marriage is a slippery slope that may lead to polygamous and interspecies marriages….. Wow, where do I start to dissect this imbecilic statement?  Alter the definition?  Ok, call it something else and repeat the same marriage laws with the term “pillow biting butt pirate union” in place of the word marriage.  How will it weaken the “institution of marriage” and how is said institution being threatened?  I can’t even figure out what the hell they are trying to say here so I have no way to refute their point.  To me, marriage is a concept and I can’t, for the life of me, see how a concept can be threatened or weakened.  And, I don’t see some redneck approaching his favorite sheep and saying, “Hey you cute little thing, have you heard that gay marriage has been approved in 8 states?  Looks like they’re paving the way for us to tie the knot.”

In summary, not only do I approve of two brown eye bingers marrying, I actually feel sorry for the ridicule laden cum dumpsters.   I may be the first Cowboy to approve of the marriage of two cock jockeys, but I feel that getting the word out may convince other Cowboys to come out of the close minded barn and support rump rangers in their fight for equality.  Hell, even the religious right fanatics may see the light. Who knows, one day, you may be standing in church holding hands with a married couple of ass stabbers and not even notice.  I just hope they washed their hands before touching the Bible.


13 thoughts on “Straight Cowboys for Gay Marriage

  1. I just discovered that three people from India have just read my blog. I am sorry if I offended elephants with a sentence in this blog. Please know that I respect your reverence for the elephant and that I love you dot-heads and support you in your fight to bring your country into the 21st century.

    • I can’t empathize with your situation as I was not adopted. Actually I used to agree with you. But consider what changed my mind: Many children do not get adopted at all and stay wards of the state until they turn legal age. There are not enough parents out there willing to adopt to accommodate all those children. That is not a justification for allowing gays to adopt, but: Statistics show that children not adopted are much more likely to end up in jail and/or have severe psychological “issues”. If two gays can provide a loving home for their child and give them everything they would get in a heterosexual household, I can see no real reason to prevent that adoption form happening. Of course, you have to check them out the same way you check out possible adoptive parents. A serious question I have for you is that if you never were adopted and bounced around from foster home to foster home, do you think you would be better off today than being adopted by a loving gay family?

      • The answer to your question is NOPE. I disagree with gay families and gay couples. It goes against everything I believe. There is nothing right about it.
        That’s about all I can say on the subject because I feel very strongly about the subject of gays period.

      • That’s cool. I understand. I hope you don’t think we were giving you hell. I was trying to “research” it a little through your experiences to maybe adjust my stance on the issue.

      • Children need a role model, both male and female. Every child has the right to both a mother and a father.

    • Yeah, I agree….the word “period” capitalized is the same complete lack of logic my parents would use against me when I was a child. Even then I knew it was a ridiculous statement that completely lacked any sort of a valid explanation. It is almost an indicator that you either don’t have one or don’t feel the person you are speaking to worthy of hearing your explanation.

  2. Um….Joe….OMG! I’m speachless. 1st of all because you agree with same sex marriage, and secondly…I think I learned a few words in there!! LOL …I have some bad images in my head:) Kudos to you for standing up for them, even though the name titles were….a little off color. Funny, but I guess since I live up in WA now, I always hear ‘you need to be PC’ …so that came to mind a lot…lol!!! PC this!!! hahaha

    • Thanks for the input…actually, it was a little out there even for me, but I HATE PC. I think it covers up the truth and allows people to put up a front. I did go overboard on purpose, though. Maybe that will help a good argument get attention.

  3. Oh, wow. So, I’m like a year late, and I don’t even know how I got here…but…

    I’m adopted, just like S, and I’m all for gay marriage. The point S was making was something along the lines of “a child should have a mom and a dad”. But why?

    Are moms the only people who can teach gentleness and compassion?

    Are dads the only people who can teach strength and determination?

    If so, in the opinion of S, are those kids with single, straight parents no better off than the gays? Right now there are kids out there whose mothers have died and kids out there whose fathers have left them. And you know what? Most of them will turn out just fine. And so will the kids of gays. So if it isn’t hurting you, don’t whine about it.

    Joe, you’re right, there aren’t really any good arguments against gay marriage.

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