Assholes In Traffic – Episode 1


Category: Rant  Humor: 7/10  Read Time: 5 minutes

First in a continuing saga of cathartic ranting about traffic assholes.  

Most of those that know me understand that I’m the kind of guy that believes Texas has the most friendly people in our entire country.  I’m proud of that fact.  So much so that if someone refuses to display their manners in a given situation, I will gladly offer to escort them to the border of Oklahoma so that they may join their asshole brethren.  I have found no other situation in life where less manners are displayed than in traffic.  My theory is that people feel a sense of anonymity and reckless abandon similar to that of a child left home alone for the first time feels that he can do everything he would normally not get away with.  I find this completely unacceptable and bully-esque (GW is not the only one that can make up words).  One of my quirks is that I have always felt I grew up being treated very unfairly.  That altered my personality in a way that has left me with an uncontrollable compulsion to stop unfairness in any form the moment I become aware of it.  There-in lies the problem.  I learned a few years back, that extracting an asshole from his vehicle and “adjusting” his attitude is frowned upon by those who wear a badge to work.  This has severely impeded my ability to eat a good meal and have intelligent conversation for at least one night following said incident.  So, I have had to find alternative means to at least bring to the attention of the vehicular offenders the nature of their offense and the fact that I, for one, am not willing to put up with it.  I have yet to perfect my method, but, thankfully, there are no shortage of incidents in which I am given the opportunity to practice.  I now choose to document these incidents in an effort to lessen the stress that they bring to my life (and maybe yours as well).

Today, a guy in a beat up van that could have easily had “free candy” spray painted on the side (but instead had his business logo on it) decided to be a jerk.  Funny thing is his business was named “Honey Doo Handy Man”.  I guess he gets his ass chewed out so much at home that it transferred to his business.  Now that I think about it, he’s probably so bitter that he can’t legally beat his wife that he takes his anger out in traffic.  Anyway, we are in the right lane pulling up to a red light.  I am behind him.  I have my blinker on and am leaning toward the upcoming right hand turn lane, but can’t get over due to the curbing.  He stops with a full car length’s distance between him and the next car.  He can see that all he has to do to help me out is move forward one or two feet.  He looks in the mirror at me as if he’s pissed that I’m so close to his already pockmarked bumper.  I barely tap the horn in an effort to respectfully ask if he’ll move up.  He glares at me and doesn’t move.  The light turns green.  He still doesn’t move.  He snickers.  I hop the curb and pull up beside him to let him know that his lack of manners is about to be confronted.  He asks if I have a problem.  I said, “Yeah, you couldn’t spare a couple of feet to help me out?”  He said, “I don’t have to move out of your way”.  I said, “You’re right, you don’t.  There is no law that says you have to display any amount of common courtesy.  But choosing to be an asshole to a guy that is having a bad day does run the risk of having that guy climb into your van through the passenger window, rip off your rear view mirror, and shove it up your asshole so you can give yourself a complete rectal exam and be reminded of what you shouldn’t act like.”  At this point, he muttered something under his breath, shot me a dirty look, and sped off.  I may not have accomplished anything, but I did gain a slight amount of contentment (real word?).  His choosing to be a jerk was rewarded by the fact that when he lays his head down on his pillow tonight, he will know that his bullying, jackass style of driving is not acceptable.  He will also have to look in the mirror the next morning and face the fact that he figuratively got his ass kicked for being a bully. The fact that he realized that if he challenged me further, bones would break, made me feel like he finally got to understand a little of what it feels like to be bullied.  And the fact that my phrasing can not be legally construed as a threat is just icing on the cake.  It is my theory that accepting a bully’s implied challenge, looking them in the eye, and making them realize that they are extremely close to an ambulance ride will, at the very least, give them pause the next time they consider being an asshole in traffic.

Don't act like you got nothing to say, so lay it on me!

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