This was the first blog post I ever wrote back in 2006. I had no idea it would be that popular, but it made it to the top 10 blogs on myspace for that weak/month (which is no small feat as there were 10s of thousands). It opened my eyes to the possibilities. I had been single for quite some time and had decided to try out internet dating sites. If you’ll remember, back in 2006, there was a large stigma attached to them. I can’t quite remember, but everyone, including myself, felt it weird to meet new people on the web. Now, it seems to be common place. Anyway, here goes:
I hate dating sites because of all the bullshit you gotta go through. I mean, come on. Look at the goofy ass questions you gotta answer. I’ve known marriages that have lasted over 20 years and I guarantee you they don’t know the answers to half the shit they ask you on these sites. Then you gotta take all these tests to find out how compatible you are. Then there are these surveys to determine what type of dog you’d be or what movie star you’d be. Well apparently, I’m a scottish terrier and Tom Cruise at the same time. Ladies, don’t wet yourselves all at once, we wouldn’t want a flood now would we? And, even if I did know what the hell all that meant, how in the hell would I know what type of “dog” or “actress” I’m lookin for.
When I signed on, I thought I might get the chance to meet one or two girls I might have something in common with. Boy, was I surprised. I’ve met hundreds of women that I have a lot in common with. And, all I’d have to do to please them all is throw a salt block in my back yard. Jesus, who opened the gate. If this kinda stampede happened at the ranch, it would be new fence time. Just because I’m a cowboy doesn’t mean I like to heard stuff all the damned time. I’m not sure what it is about me that attracts fat women, but if I ever find out what it is, I’m cuttin it off. Don’t get me wrong, a few extra pounds is ok. I like a thick girl that’s got some muscle. But if you look at your ass in a mirror and it looks like 50 pounds of chewed bubble gum, then graze on heffer, this bull is out to pasture and the ranch is full. And don’t give me that “I can’t help it, it’s genetics” crap either. If you can park your ass in front of a monitor to peruse the male classifieds then you can damn sure park it on a stationery bike and pedal your way to a better lookin man. Hell, even I’ve gained some weight recently, but if I saw something worth impressing I’d lose it quicker than a heart patient on the Adkin’s diet.
Some of these poor women are at least 20 years older than me too. Man, if that’s not depressing. I guess I could invite Hannibal Lecter on a double date and we could make me some new chaps outta their leathery assed hide. By the way, can you starch an old person? One lady was so old, she wanted to chat about depression. I thought, well, ok, I can handle that. When i figured out she meant the Great Depression I just about shit myself.
Now, I’m not prejudiced, but when I check the boxes that say I want to date caucasian or hispanic women, I assume that would block out all the others. NOT SO. The female version of Buckwheat, complete with a rose tucked in her fro took a likin’ to me and won’t quit sending me electronic roses. If I could figure out how to put pictures in this blog, I’d show you that I ain’t shittin ya. Besides the fact that if she closed her eyes in the dark, I wouldn’t be able to find her, she outweighed me 2 to 1. And, I have a strict rule against dating women with the physical ability to rape me on a whim. It’s just one of my little quirks.
Everyone says you’ll never find that special someone in a bar. Well, I believe I’d rather be in the bar than online. At least in the bar, I can drink’em skinnier and prettier, or pass out tryin. And, when fat women start moseyin my way, I can drop a few sugar cubes and slowly walk away.
Disgusted, despondent, downtrodden and soon to be drunk,
EDIT: Here’s a slide show of some of the “better” women who have chosen to hit on me. If you click on them, it will show you my little “nickname” for each of them. Couldn’t get it to embed correctly, so here’s a link to it: